Tuesday, December 31, 2013

He Said ‘Hello’ and my Heart was Gone (Written on 08 Oct 2013)

It was a warm Tuesday Morning
Bag in hand I walked quietly and solemnly to school
Half way there I met a guy. He said ‘Hello’ with a smile
I kind of smiled back and tried to walk away,
But No! Mr. Man had a few other words to say
I tarried but for some seconds. Wasn’t really listening
But strangely enough I still remember every word he said
He said hello but my heart wasn’t gone

Two weeks had gone by and I wasn’t thinking of it anymore
Yet another Tuesday morning, yet another solemn walk to school
And again another ‘Hello’ this time with a little joke. I laughed
The last guy was a jerk, took my smiles and my laughter away
But he brought a smile and then a laugh back to my face
Back home, I told my bff someone said ‘Hello’
But I forgot to say it had me flustered for a bit
He said hello but my heart wasn’t gone yet

A week and a half had gone by. I was still thinking about his ‘Hello’
This time it was a walk way up the street for a breath of fresh air
Semester break was finally around, Xmas was calling
And there, the ‘Hello’ which caused turmoil in my fairytale heart
He said he was about to call. I laughed it off the classic lie of a player
Not sure he quite got my number but strangely he did
He promised to visit the following day. I laughed harder. He didn’t know my place
He said hello but my heart wasn’t quite gone yet

I woke up in the morning cleaned up as usual and cooked
By midday I was reading a Fitzgerald Classic “The Great Gatsby”
Then there was a light knock at my door. I said “come in”
There he was. He said “Hello” my heart skipped for a bit
I thought for a second ‘how did he know my place’
But that was irrelevant now. I was happy he had come after all
He came in with a thousand more jokes and lots of charm
He said hello and my heart was leaving its homestead

Two weeks apart, family reunions, festivities, lots of food and drink
But the only feast I wanted was him. Only party I needed was him
Back to school and first day there he was at my doorstep
A charming smile on his face, a gift in hand and an “I missed you”
I let him walk through the doors of my home, my life, and my heart
I opened my gift, behold they were roses. Now I was floating on thin air
I could never forget a gift like that. I cherished it for years after that
He had said hello and my heart was so gone

Many years have gone by. Lots of water under the bridge has traversed
We parted ways many years ago. In a way only we two could
He has said “Hello” to others. Don’t know if they were the same
Others have said “Hello” to me. But they were never the same
I’ve fancied myself in love with another. I’ve fancied myself moving on
I’ve even fancied myself staying unmarried forever or married to another
I’ve been happy. I’ve been sad. I’ve fallen in and out of love with him more times than I can count

When he said hello, he took my heart away. Will I ever get my heart back?

By  Ngwe-Nwi Claudette

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Love On The Rebound

I fell in Love on the rebound or at least I thought it was a rebound.

I told myself I was not ready to love another, not just yet,
I told myself I just needed someone to make me smile,
I told myself I just needed someone to help me forget the pain of a lost love,
I told myself I was in control of my heart and not the other way round,
And was I convinced I was in control, until long after the breakup. 

The first days were cool. I was strong. Had been through worst things,
The weeks which followed were slightly gloomy but I was strong, won’t cry,
The months which followed the weeks were becoming somber, sad and solitary,
The years which followed the months were most dark, tears came now and then,
My heart only broke months and years after the Break-Up.

I only knew it was love when it was out the door,
I only knew it was love when there was no turning back,
I only knew it was love when the locks on the doors had changed,
I only knew it was love when my heart broke in the middle of the night for loosing the one I had called "my Rebound,"
I only knew it was love when the tears of my broken heart soaked my pillow, so much so that I could not be consoled.

Now I’m at the crossroads of my life, wondering which way to go,
Should I tell you how I feel? Or Should I just Move on as I have so far?
Should I find another love? Or Seek out that which seems to elude me?
Will it be easy to get you back on since I have figured out you are the one?
Or should I just admit the fact that I lost the moon while counting the stars?

I just can’t believe my "Rebound Love" was actually one of my big Loves!!!

Written by Ngwe-Nwi Claudette
(October 2013)

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Short pick - Love Deeply

A Short Verse Poem for you my friends. I call these kinds of poems a "Short pick" from my gallery of poems....

 Love Deeply and Don't Hold Back

You never know when and where you will find true love.

It could be during your darkest hours or the brightest moments.

It could be when you are listening to the very irritating neighbor,

Or staring across to the extremely infuriating classmate or colleague.

I know not how you love or who you love.

But by all means love and love deeply.

Because everyone does not get the chance in a lifetime,

To love someone with such great intensity.

N-N C.

Friday, October 11, 2013

BHON The End


I hugged him with all my strength and he began to kiss me on my neck. I stepped back to look at him. He looked me straight in the eyes and said “you are so beautiful and sexy. Your weight loss suits you well.” How callous, I did not lose weight for pleasure, but because of you.

Then he took my face in his hands and kissed me. I didn't understand what he was doing but I returned his kiss. Those lips that I so desired, which I knew by heart! I gave myself to him entirely like never before and everything melted in me. We made love, gently, nice and slow. His hands traveled freely all over my body, burning and tormenting me with pleasure. I held him tight and told him how much I missed him and how much I wanted him.

After what seemed like the longest embrace ever, he stood up and walked towards the bathroom. Just at the door he turned around, looked at me calmly and said, “I am going to have a shower do you want to come in with me?” (We always took our bath together over the weekends). I accepted and stepped out of bed, took his outstretched hand as we got into the shower. My heart was singing a serenade. I knew this moment wouldn't last forever, so I wanted to enjoy it while it lasted. My smile was so bright, the first I had had in weeks.

He bent down and kissed me on my neck and shoulders as he used to do. I turned around and asked him what he was doing? And he simply shrugged and said: “sorry, old habits die hard” and my heart tightened. I left him alone in the bathroom, picked up my bathrobe and wrapped it around my body as I went to sit in the living.

After drying up and getting dressed, he joined me in the living room and we discussed some more. I hated myself for giving in to him so easily, so I braced myself and with a straight face and all the courage I could muster at the moment, I told him “you should leave now.” And as he got up to leave, I continued in the same determined tone: “you won’t read or hear from me in a while, I need to forget you.”

In his devilishly calm tone, he looked at me and said, “You can talk to me whenever you want, you know I'll never forget you. Ever”

My eyes went steamy but I caught the tears just before they could betray my dying soul. Why did he keep tormenting me with such words? I have a heart. Stop telling me things like that.

He kept pacing to and fro in the kitchen doing nothing. The only thing I wanted was to see him walk out the door. So I stifled a tremble in my voice and asked: “Is it an impression or you don’t feel like leaving?”
He lifted his head to look at me before saying “No, I don’t want to leave. Is it bad?” “Well, you alone know what’s up with you Atembe. You seem quite unsure of yourself.”
As if to address a brief moment of weakness, he quickly replied, “Yes, it's really over!”

Finally, he dumped the last of his belongings in the truck he had hired to transport his stuff.  After going back and forth packing his stuff, he scooped my face in his hands and crushed my mouth with a passionate and warm kiss. It was so tender, yet so heart breaking because it was the last kiss I was ever going to accept from him. My heart was drumming and my temperature was kicking. I felt the blood rush to my face as he kissed me one last time.

He let go after a while, picked up his jacket on the couch and walked away without a word. The last whole piece of my heart came crashing on the floor as he closed the door firmly behind him. I rushed to the door and locked it before crumbling down on the floor.  The tears came running down like torrents. The silent sobs, the breaking heart, the feeling of betrayal…When will I feel normal again? Will this pain ever go away? The pain cut through my heart like a knife and the tears rolled down my cheeks with heart-wrenching yelps… 'I hope I can cry this pain away!'

Seven days went by after the day he left. As one of the ways to deal with the pain and encourage myself, I wrote a poem:

When true love goes away what is left, 
Just Pain, Tears, Despair, and Emptiness.
There is nothing left to give - at least not just yet.

No more joy, No more Love, No more Trust, 
No more colors, No more giggles, No more blushes,
 No more throaty laughter, No more smiles, No more songs, 
No more love messages, No more warmth
Just a Void

Seasons will come, seasons will go. 
It will be solitary but only for a while.
It will hurt but only for a while. 
The tears will eventually stop and the pain will eventually pass. 

Every thing may go, but one thing remains
A new beginning. A fresh Start.
The hope of a new morn as the sun rises in the horizon. 


Tuesday, September 24, 2013

BHON Part 5


The next two weeks were painful. We barely spoke to each other. We owned an apartment, a joint account and we had to settle things. Remember I left school and I was now financially dependent on him, which made me frankly uncomfortable. He told me he would pay the rents until July, I was to manage from there. I no longer recognized him but mustered enough courage to say “OK.” The pain was excruciating; I had never felt such pain. I couldn't eat or sleep and nothing made any sense to me. I fumbled with my thoughts trying to understand why he had not left me to my studies and my financial aid: “why, why, why...?” I screamed while the tears ran down my cheeks. 

Later during the week he contacted me to say he would be coming in on Saturday to pick up the rest of his stuff. We talked a little before he said “I rented a small place already. I was wondering if you wanted me to return the IPOD Touch you gave me for Christmas?”
My heart sank, “Why do you want to return it?”
“I loved the gift so much I just got myself an iPhone.” Yet another blow! I was barely a walking corpse and dear sir was having the time of his life. How dare he!

A few days later, we picked a fight because I searched his emails and instant messages (he had not changed passwords).
“Atembe, I’m hurt and I’m trying to find answers. I’m sorry I had to do that, but since you won’t tell me what went wrong…I probably shouldn't have invaded your privacy, but when I noticed you had resumed contact with your ex and said things about me like ‘she dropped out of school, she has no ambition, it was a chore fucking her…’ it tore me into shreds.”
“I’m sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.” He said in his usual calm tone. He finally said, “I'd like you to be there on Saturday when I come around because we have many movies and would need to share them.” I agreed. Call me desperate but I would agree to anything just to see him one last time.

He came in on Saturday morning looking very normal, gave me a big hug, a kiss on the cheek and asked if he could sit for 5 minutes before starting to pack up his things. I agreed and we started talking about everything and nothing. “Why did you get in touch with several people you had vowed never to speak to again?” I asked.
His tone went up a notch, “Wait a minute, you can’t be asking me…”
“You know what, I’m not up for a fight! I’m going to lie down a while,” I cut in. I heard him scoop his stuff (no furniture, they were all mine). He kept asking whether I wanted to keep one thing or the other; I simply said, “take what you want.”  He took about one hour to pick up his stuff. I was in the living room on my computer by the time he was through, trying to act as indifferent as possible. He finished packing and asked if he could sit down and take a pepsi or “do you want me to leave immediately?”
“Atembe, you are home, you pay the rents, do what you want.” I replied. He took a sit and we started talking and then he asked for one last hug. I told him I had something for him - a Farewell note. “Read it when you can - Maybe in your truck on the road. It is important.” He took it and asked if he could read it right away. I did not know what to say but in the end I accepted uncomfortably and I let him read it in front of me.

I simply want you to know that I have accepted the fact that it is all over between us. Since I met you, I have done nothing short of loving you. I am torn by the pain of losing you and I feel lost without you. My soul is empty and my heart is broken beyond repair.
I try to recall the way we once were, smiling and loving each other. But all of that is gone now and there is nothing but an empty space. I used to think I was enough for you, that I completed you as you did me. Apparently I was wrong. I will surely get over this. But I think you have been very selfish, callous and inconsiderate in the way you called off our four year long relationship. Right now my heart is in pieces but one day I will rebuild it.
Goodbye my dear love

He cried a little but remained very quiet. Finally I said, “I think you should leave now.” He asked me for one last hug (he was sitting on the couch). I got up and sat on his laps and gave him a hug. My heart hurt so badly.


BHON Part 4


“I will always love you,” Atembe told me gently as he leaned down to plant a kiss on my lips on Christmas day as we were snugged up in the couch. We had the most magical Christmas season. We exchanged gifts and made big love declarations. Then he went back on the road early January. The love messages were still going and coming. The ‘I love you,’ ‘I miss you,’ went on for days. He kept saying I was the woman of his life.

Having experienced personal and difficult times in my life, I told him of my desire to go to therapy which he accepted and even playfully suggested that I come with him in the truck, so we could be together. I had to go back to school on 21 January but we talked and I decided to return only in September. We discussed our finances, because if I quit school, my student financial aid will be cut. He said not to worry because he earned enough for two, he would take care of me. I called the school to tell them I would only be going back in September.

The last weekend I spent with Atembe was that of 21 January. He came home but was more distant than usual. However, I did not pay too much attention to that. Every couple has its ups and downs, I thought then. He left for work on 28 January. Before walking out the door, he turned around kissed me passionately and said “I’ll miss you baby. You are indeed the woman of my life.”

“I’ll miss you too sweaty. I love you more than life,” I replied before he planted one brief kiss on my lips and went out the door. I stood at the door and watched him walk away. He was a beautiful sight; but somehow, I felt a slight nudge in my heart, as if all was not well. But nothing was going to spoil this moment. He waved me goodbye before taking the first bend away away from home.

Four days after his departure, he sent me an email with a hello and I replied with a smiley. I was very happy because it was almost weekend and he will be returning home. But this time, when he came home he was even more silent and spoke very little. I asked if something was bothering him and he simply said “I’m thinking.”
Panic set in. I could not help but remember the November episode, however, he had promised. I kept prying to know what was bugging him but he said we would talk over the following weekend because he had to think it through. My heart sank and the words came rushing to my mind like a flood: “no, no, you promised me, you promised, you can’t do this to me, not again...”

Four days after his departure for work the so much dreaded email arrived:

Hi Erica,
I’m sorry to have to do this by email again but I can’t face you. You did not do anything wrong. I'm just disgusted with this relationship that is leading nowhere. I have no future with you and I'm stressed when I’m having sex with you. It’s over, I’m calling it quits. And this time it’s for real. Don’t try to stop me this time, I won’t have it.
Bye now.

I replied with a simple; “so you don’t love me anymore?”
“No,” he said, “that is not the point.”
“You will come back and tell me that in my face Atembe,” I insisted and he promised to come home the next morning.

The next day he came in late because he had drank himself to stupor with his colleagues and got sick. He was reeking of alcohol and he is normally not a heavy drinker, so I was quite surprised. I tried to talk but nothing to do, he was in no shape for a talk, so I suggested a nap for both of us and he accepted.

The phone woke me up around 6:30 PM. His mother had just learned about our breakup and called to ask me what had happened (how facebook news flies!). Before hanging up, I told her I too was lost, never saw it coming and that Atembe was sleeping, so she could call later to ask him what was happening. I later discovered that my boyfriend, who had no guts, was pretending to be asleep to avoid having to justify himself to his parents.

He finally woke up and we got talking. I asked questions, in tears: “Why did you tell me I was the woman of your life just four days ago Atembe?
Why now? I wanted to leave in November...” still no answer.
When he opened his mouth to answer, he accused me of things I had said or done after the death of our daughter...
“Erica, when our daughter died, you said a lot of hurtful things to me. I figured it was the pain of losing…”
“Are you kidding me? I was not myself. So why did you ask me to marry you after that?”
 “Because it was important to you” he replied. Shock, silence!
I couldn't take anymore. I stomped to my room and to my bed. He followed me, took me in his arms, to console me, and did not let go. I could only mutter a faint “I love you” (big mistake again, I know) and he answered “thank you, that’s nice.” “Go away. Find some place to sleep.” That’s all I could manage to say before I fell asleep.

I woke up at about 2 a.m. and heard the television. No way, he can’t still be here! Well, yes, Mr Atembe slept on the couch. I turned off the TV and it woke him up; he got up and came to lie in bed with me. I must be dreaming, what was he doing?  He lay in with me and I let him do as he willed. I was probably hurting, but I still wanted him so much.
The next morning I got up before him and made coffee with a heavy heart. He got up, gave me a kiss on the forehead and asked how I was doing. I refused to cry again but tried to talk. He was not very forthcoming but I said, “Tell me you don’t love me anymore.”
“Erica, I can’t say such a thing. But it is really over this time. Don’t wait for me anymore” he managed to say before settling down with his breakfast while watching a movie.
“I understand that it is also your house, but you will have to leave.”
He looked at me, “you want me to leave right away?”

 “Yes” I said with a very heavy heart. He got up, went to the bath and took a shower, got dressed, gave me a big hug and left. I practically went crashing on the floor like a pack of cards. 


BHON Part 3


Three months later, I came back from classes, and just before settling to some assignments I decided to check my emails to see if my sweetheart had sent me a love message, as he was on the road. As expected, I noticed his subject before any other thing in my Hotmail inbox. It read; ‘Absence of joy.’ My heart skipped a little but I thought nothing of it until I opened the email.

My Dearest Erica,
I have loved you, my darling, but lately things have been especially hard on me because our relationship no longer gives me any pleasure. I’m no longer happy coming home to you.
For the past few months, I have tried to bring back the excitement that used to be without success and I can’t do this anymore. I am no longer happy in this relationship and I think it is best we go our separate ways.
You brought me much joy these past years, but my feelings have changed a whole lot and you no longer make me happy. I’ll be moving on without you. When I come back this weekend, we will settle anything that needs settling.
Bye for now

I felt my throat close as I swallowed hard and my eyes welled up with tears. I was beyond shock. All sorts of questions were popping up in my mind. I did not see this coming. When he left for work, all was well with our couple. I couldn't help but wonder what had gone awry in the few days during which we were separated.
I called him in tears, “I just saw your email…”
“Erica, we will talk when I come home this weekend…”
“What happened? Did I do anything wrong? I will make it right. I will make it up to you. Please don’t leave. I still love you so much. I can’t live without you Atembe. Please don’t do this to me…” I pleaded as the tears came rolling down my cheeks.
“We will talk when I get home,” Was all he said before hanging up.

After a few minutes, I started typing a message. I could only think of trying to get him to stay with me. My hands were flying on my keyboard...

baby, please don’t leave like this. you are breaking my heart. I’m suffocating right now just thinking about how ma life would be without you. i can’t do this without you. i wouldn't be able to live if it had to be without you. please, please, please. think about all the good things we share. i still love you dearly. erica

I was so distraught I didn't know what to say. It was only a few days later that I realized I had made some errors in my text, but that was not important, I couldn't think of that at the moment.
A few minutes later I sent another text;

my love, please tell me you won’t leave me this way. i’l be destroyed if you walk away from my life. i love u, i love u, i really really love u and truly can’t leave without you. we can talk about whatever is bothering you. baby please talk to me…

He had to hear my plea regardless. I sent three more messages of desperation in a bid to convince him to change his mind before he replied.
It’s ok baby, never mind my message or what I said over the phone. I’m really sorry to have put you through such trauma. I was just being stupid and playing childish games. It was just a crazy reaction to some frustrations I’m feeling right now. But as u said we can talk it over. Of course I will not leave. How could I break up with you when you are the woman of my life? Perhaps I just wanted to see if you still love me, now I know you do and deeply too.  Let’s forget this incident and move on with our relationship. I love you my angel.

I felt reassured to receive his reply. However, before he came home that weekend, one of his single friends told me that Atembe had told him he was single and could sleep around whenever he chose to. I couldn’t understand why and I felt hurt like never before. Our love making was always great and was one of the strengths of our relationship. I could really see the cookies crumbling, When he came home over the weekend, I noticed, for the first time that his smiles and apparent joy to see me were not sincere. He was not happy, at least not with me.

Before long, the weekend went by slowly and it was Tuesday again. I decided to write him a letter and go away. I packed my bags and I waited for him to come back.
He came back home as usual during the weekend and noticed my bags.
“Hey baby, why are your bags packed?”
“I need you to sit and listen to something Atembe.”
“But, why…”
“Come. Sit.”
He took a sit beside me on the couch and looked at me with questioning eyes. I started to read my letter;
Atembe my love,
The first time I met you I loved you, and even as I write this farewell letter, I still love you. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over loving you. But I have noticed that you are truly no longer happy in this relationship.
When I accepted to come into your life, it was to make you happy, to love and cherish you in every possible way. Now that I no longer make you happy, I believe it’s time to walk out and try to move on.
I have cried every night since that faithful day you sent the breakup message. It’s true you said it was a joke, but your actions say otherwise. I would rather walk away now that I still have the strength, than later. 
This is a farewell letter my dear not a plea for you to stay. Thank you for the memories we share, I will cherish them forever.
Goodbye my love
After reading the letter, I folded it and gave it to him with my engagement ring (we were engaged since Valentine’s Day) and bade him farewell.  As I started to leave, he got down on his knees in the living room; 
“Darling, please don’t leave me. I still love you, you know. I was just being stupid and playing silly games. You are the woman of my life. I can’t loose you. Please baby, please stay. Please don’t go away, I can’t do without you. I’m so sorry about all the stupid things I've done lately. I’m all yours. Please don’t go…” he begged. 

My heart went out to him and I forgave him, having in mind that we were going to work things out and that he was sincere when he said he was sorry. He put my engagement ring back on and said, “You are the only woman who really matters in my life.” I believed him and we made up.
But before hugging him in reconciliation I said, “Atembe, my heart would not be able to stand it anymore. I would not bear it if in two months or thereabout you repeat the same scenario.”

“Baby, we are together forever. It will never repeat itself again,” he assured me before we hugged. He held me so tight in his arms as if he was afraid I would disappear. I was crying as we hugged, then he started to kiss me. At first on my forehead, then on my cheeks, then on my lips and then all over – we made love with such aggressive passion as if to exorcise ourselves of some demons.